Such an awful feeling.

The beginnings of things can be glorious. The little happy surprises and the anticipation of the things to come. The ends of things can be equally terrible.

Going through a break up is hard. Going through an unnecessary and unexpected betrayal is even worse. I recently experienced and am experiencing that. It all came at the worst time too. Things were going great. I was happy, I had friends and somewhat of a social life. I was moving out for the first time in a while and I LOVE(D) my job. Until it all blew up.

What’s difficult is how the people who caused this unbearable pain to myself seem to think they are in the right. They go on with their lives happy as I mope around lonelier than I ever thought I would feel. I just keep thinking about my horrible luck with people and friends. I keep getting pulled down and I know the best thing to do is get right back up and show the I’m better off but its so hard when you feel this awful. People think I’m strong but I’m not. I’m a giant, sensitive, young mess.

I’ve been a lot better since. I can take showers, put make up on, make dumb jokes again. Yet there’s still that awful feeling tugging at my brain every once in a while. I’ll inexplicably get grumpy, quiet and sad. I’m getting better is what is important. I keep telling myself “I’ll get over it eventually.” People keep telling me I’ll get over it. I keep saying it but its so hard to believe. The thought of ending all of this comes to me way too often. So often it scares me and I can’t tell anyone which makes the feeling slightly worse. The only solution I can think of other than the end is to start completely over, but since I’ve signed a year long lease…that is going to have to wait.

I’ve gone through the loss of friends before. It hurt like hell the first time and it hurts even more. My mom tells me I should just stop trusting white people. That is so insanely racist and hilarious but when I think about it…she has a point. There is a pattern. Not that race is ever a factor in my making friends…

I need an outlet I keep getting told. I always come back to this silly thing. You never know, maybe this could be it. Until next time.

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