As a kid, I was kind of a bit wary of Astrology. I would read my horoscope just for fun and forget it about an hour into the day. My mother, however, was completley psycho about it and still is.
I grew up thinking I was a Cancer. I was a shy kid who was constantly picked on and just wanted to have a good friend which are vaguely Cancer traits. Knowing I was a Cancer made me a relatively calm child…and then puberty hit as well as some other news.
My mom got our charts done on her 30th Birthday which was also my 9th birthday (we share a birthday as well as a nose and baby face.) That night I learned some shocking news…I was in fact a Leo.
“No. I’m a Cancer, Mommie.”
I repeatedly told her this. She insisted. I was in Sign Denial. Whenever someone asked what my sign was, which was common place in grade school, I would say “I’m a Cancer but my mom got my charts done and it says I’m a Leo but I don’t believe her.”
This all changed until I became a legal adult.
I noticed my thought patterns and was remembering the way I thought as a kid.
“Why doesn’t so and so like me? I’m awesome.” “Everyone wants to be my friend, I’m the coolest.” Sometimes I say this shit out loud, in jest…but a lot of times when it was going through my head, I really and truly meant it.
I was still really shy. I didn’t grow out of that until I started drinking less then a year ago and got a job at a place where talking with people is incredibly important. I started to embrace the Leo that I am.
I talk about this because I feel as its a very important part in understanding myself, at least in my case. I spent so long pretending to be something and act like someone I wasn’t. I’m still a fundamentally shy person but I’m learning to beat myself out of that. Being shy was holding me back and still does. Its why I’m such a Astrological believer now. Take my last (and only) real relationship. No matter how much I loved that damn bastard, our signs wouldn’t work. We butted heads to much. The Leo in me wanted it to work so badly to spite this fact, but in the end, I know it wouldn’t. Don’t you know, Leo’s hate to be wrong and want to prove things to the world.
Here lies my problem in life.
I don’t particularly enjoy being a Leo. I feel as if its a burden. Every time I read a horoscope anything its like “*insert sign here* is fantastic but LEOS ARE CRAZY WATCH OUT.” I use my being a Leo as an excuse for everything. When I lose my mind “I’m a Leo,” as well as “I’m black and latina. I got so much crazy goin’ on, you can’t be surprised.”
That’s not to say I totally hate being a Leo. I’m not gonna lie, I love it when I’m happy. I think I’m one of the most pleasant happy people to be around. I’m “the life of the party, ” which is a Leo trait.
Yet no matter how much I love my happy, awesome, people bringing together self, I can’t seem to bring myself back to that.