Welcome to my 2012. The year I will forever remember as the year my heart broke a million times. I grew up really fast within a few months. Heartbreak, I’ve learned, can do that to a girl. What would’ve been the year of my college graduation had I not lost my mind and dropped out, turned out to be a hell of a life experience.
I’m a sensitive son of a bitch. I’m a drama queen and I know this. Its not that I enjoy drama cause if there’s anything worse its a lot of stupid drama, but its that I have a lot of feelings. I don’t stop myself from feeling sad or happy or angry. I don’t try and suppress them cause it turns me into an even bigger drama queen.
I had my first non boyfriend this past summer. You know, a guy you hang out with and bang and make out with and eat with but you never label it as a relationship cause you don’t want all that pressure and shit. He was wonderful and sweet and everything I would ever want in an actual boyfriend…except he came with a problem. He just didn’t want a relationship!
He had good reason, yet he trotted the boundary of friend and boyfriend many times. He would say he didn’t mind me being with other boys (which I canceled all of my booty calls for him, mind you) and yet would get insanely jealous when guys flirted with me. He would complain about my friends hating him (which they didn’t) and we spent pretty much every night together for two months.
Soon it became too much for him when I was angry for him canceling plans at the last minute. It just became “too serious” and then I went from seeing him every single day to once a week. It hurt me cause like the dumb, ridiculous girl I am, I fell for the damn guy. I fell so damn hard despite my awful track record with boys in general for the past year.
A couple of bad things happened and now its officially over. Its strange, even though we never became bf/gf, the fact that it never happened is most upsetting. It was an awesome beginning to something that will probably not happen, and that’s ok. Sure I might be devastated right now, but since I’m a grown up and whatever, I can reason with myself somewhat better then I would have in high school or even a year ago when i had never had my heart broken. I realize that I needed that. I needed to be reminded to have fun and to not take everything so hard. I feel like he really didn’t set out to hurt me, and it just got too much especially for someone fresh out of a 6 year relationship (seriously i don’t blame him for not pursuing the wonder that is me. that’s a long ass fucking time.) We had fun. I had the best summer of my life because of this Beardyboy, and I will cherish it forever. It just wasn’t meant to be and that’s ok.