Bitterness of Living

Obviously, within a small amount of time a lot has happened to me since my move back to NYC. One thing I’ve learned in that short time is to not dwell on things and move forward. I’ve always been emo, despite my best efforts to not be. My problem back in the day was letting bad things get the best of me. Hence my lost months after the horrible incident that as time goes by, doesn’t seem as horrible anymore. Mostly because I’ve never been more content with my life as it is now.

It took gaining a ton of friends in a short amount of time to realize that I don’t really like being around an insane amount of people all of the time. I went a different kind of crazy and I lost my true self, as stupid and cheesy as that sounds. I do best when around one or two people. Of course, with this revelation it would seem silly to some that I would move to one of the most populous places in the universe when in reality this is one of the loneliest towns there is. A gagjillion people in one small space is very isolating. Its a city where you have to be selfish and somewhat competitive  and for me that forces me out of my comfort zone which is important to be a successful human being. I don’t have time to worry silly things. Things’ll happen when they happen.

I try to keep myself constantly busy which is hard since I’m only part time at my job. I’m currently seeking another part time employer…this is proving most difficult. Strangely, my money problems don’t stress me out as much as they used too. Honestly, I could be backwards. Worrying about money was all I did in Texas and I had plenty of it at all times. Yet now, in this expensive town, I’m broker than I ever was and I’m just chillin’.

Maybe this could be my new persona, that laid back Texas chick. Who knows.

Being “chill”, I’m still fairly bitter about life sometimes. Since I started my Facebook up, past folks have appeared in my “people I may know” which I wish could be disabled because its a horrible feature. I think where I would be if I hadn’t of done this or had done that. If i’d stayed in NYC, who would I be now? If I never broke my ex’s back door, what would’ve happened? If I hadn’t of confronted my other ex for being an asshole, would he have continued being a douche and if so would I still get an apology? If I hadn’t of isolated myself from my friends who basically forced me out, would we still be talking? Then I begin to envy those more fortunate than I. Friends I had that came from really well off families, people who know people, naturally skinny girls with no boobs (those I envy the most). Being “chill” doesn’t mean I don’t have a plethora of “what ifs” and “why nots”.

However, the “what ifs” don’t matter and they shouldn’t matter, because that’s all it is. What if. Yet sometimes the what ifs affect your future and its up to you to determine whether it’ll be a positive or negative outcome.

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