Fantasies.

Fantasies are what keep me moving, I admit it.

I fantasize about my impending move back to the city I love and moving on up in life. Being the student I was meant to be, possibly moving up in my job. I think about what an amazing place i’ll end up once I graduate.

I go to sleep thinking about the great dude i’ll eventually meet and how when that happens I’ll hopefully be at the point in my life where my shit is almost fully together. I dream about caressing his face and cracking up late at night. I think about how easy it’ll be to be with him, how after we fight we kiss and make up. I imagine our first shitty apartment together, and how we’ll make it perfect with our dumb, cheesy love.

I dream about my babies that I eventually want to have, and how gorgeous and loved they’ll be. I think about talking to them about my life before them and them laughing at the stupid things I did. I think about their graduations, grandchildren…

Thinking about my future keeps me going. I know it won’t be exactly how I picture it, but I know it’ll be great no matter what, cause that’s life. Its a beautiful, wonderful, fucking shit fest.

i can’t sleep

and then the night comes
earlier than before
lonelier than before
i can get through it
i always will
until the darkness of my eyelids overcomes me
ever slowly
ever so slowly
to be awoken unceremoniously
by the bell
the unreal bell

poem #1

my angry heart
although fiery, flutters
why couldn’t you love me?
why wouldn’t you?
time will heal these wounds i feel
until then i’ll wait
I have no choice but too.
my angry heart,
still wants to love.

this is just one of things I write in my phone when I’m overcome with emotion at work. it helps a bit.