I was relationship girl. I didn’t have any friends, only my boyfriend, for over 3 years.
Then we broke up. Then I fell for someone else, and he broke my heart. Then I fell FOR SOMEONE ELSE and HE of course broke my heart. Coincidently, they both had the same name. Different people though.
Anyway, the point is, here I am. I have absolutely no interest in ANYONE. I’m barely dating some guy but we’re both so goddamn busy and to be honest, I don’t even think I like him all that much.
Its really nice though to actually for real date someone. When I say “for real date” I mean, he picks me up or meet up somewhere, talk, get to know each other, and I don’t spend every free moment of my time talking to him or texting him or being with him.
In my old age, I find it more and more important to spend time alone. I used to only focus on mine and my boyfriend’s future and then when I was single and dating, I didn’t even think about myself. I was all consumed with the delicious mushy feelings of what I thought was love. Then after the horrible endings, I was filled with this insane, overwhelming feeling of deep despair and loneliness. It sounds like an over-exaggeration but that is exactly how it felt. Constant sadness and self pity. “Why am I not good enough?” “No one is ever going to love me the way I love,” and similar thoughts filled my head for weeks and months.
Until now. I don’t feel as lonely. I’m human so of course I’d like some companionship. However, I’m not thinking of who to date or where to meet guys and all that hoo-ha. I’m just living and being around…its very strange for me. I haven’t been this blasé since high school and Harry Potter was all that I thought about. Now, I don’t even have an obsession to keep me occupied.
Its an almost, empty feeling. Not in a horrible way though. Its just, what am I living for? Not that boys were my only interest, they just seemed to get in the way making me feel like poop and hurting my feelings.
Now I’m not even waiting, because when it happens its going to happen and nothing I do will alter it. IT’LL JUST BE.