Ava Cherry is Cool.

Ava Cherry is a little known singer and dancer from the 70s. Her main claim to obscure fame was being David Bowie’s lovah during and after his relationship with Angie Bowie. She was a member of the Astronettes, the name of Bowie’s background singers along with the great and powerful Luther Vandross. Unfortunately, that’s about as far as she got having little to no chart success after she went out on her own. She caught my interest and has remained a fascination to me for the last few years.

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Here she is stealing the spotlight on the Dick Cavett show with David Bowie. As you can see, the potential to be a huge star is there. I don’t think I’ll ever understand how the fame creature decides its prey.

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Fantasies.

Fantasies are what keep me moving, I admit it.

I fantasize about my impending move back to the city I love and moving on up in life. Being the student I was meant to be, possibly moving up in my job. I think about what an amazing place i’ll end up once I graduate.

I go to sleep thinking about the great dude i’ll eventually meet and how when that happens I’ll hopefully be at the point in my life where my shit is almost fully together. I dream about caressing his face and cracking up late at night. I think about how easy it’ll be to be with him, how after we fight we kiss and make up. I imagine our first shitty apartment together, and how we’ll make it perfect with our dumb, cheesy love.

I dream about my babies that I eventually want to have, and how gorgeous and loved they’ll be. I think about talking to them about my life before them and them laughing at the stupid things I did. I think about their graduations, grandchildren…

Thinking about my future keeps me going. I know it won’t be exactly how I picture it, but I know it’ll be great no matter what, cause that’s life. Its a beautiful, wonderful, fucking shit fest.

This is a weird feeling.

I was relationship girl. I didn’t have any friends, only my boyfriend, for over 3 years.

Then we broke up. Then I fell for someone else, and he broke my heart. Then I fell FOR SOMEONE ELSE and HE of course broke my heart. Coincidently, they both had the same name. Different people though.

Anyway, the point is, here I am. I have absolutely no interest in ANYONE. I’m barely dating some guy but we’re both so goddamn busy and to be honest, I don’t even think I like him all that much.

Its really nice though to actually for real date someone. When I say “for real date” I mean, he picks me up or meet up somewhere, talk, get to know each other, and I don’t spend every free moment of my time talking to him or texting him or being with him.

In my old age, I find it more and more important to spend time alone. I used to only focus on mine and my boyfriend’s future and then when I was single and dating, I didn’t even think about myself. I was all consumed with the delicious mushy feelings of what I thought was love. Then after the horrible endings, I was filled with this insane, overwhelming feeling of deep despair and loneliness. It sounds like an over-exaggeration but that is exactly how it felt. Constant sadness and self pity. “Why am I not good enough?” “No one is ever going to love me the way I love,” and similar thoughts filled my head for weeks and months.

Until now. I don’t feel as lonely. I’m human so of course I’d like some companionship. However, I’m not thinking of who to date or where to meet guys and all that hoo-ha. I’m just living and being around…its very strange for me. I haven’t been this blasé since high school and Harry Potter was all that I thought about. Now, I don’t even have an obsession to keep me occupied.

Its an almost, empty feeling. Not in a horrible way though. Its just, what am I living for? Not that boys were my only interest, they just seemed to get in the way making me feel like poop and hurting my feelings.

Now I’m not even waiting, because when it happens its going to happen and nothing I do will alter it. IT’LL JUST BE.

Getting your shit together.

Its something that gets harder the older you get. Its ideal to get your shit together when you’re young and naive; before you actually experience the horror that is real life. As we all know, real life is not a Julia Roberts movie.

That was my plan initially. Growing up in a single parent home, I knew that real life was not all it was cracked out to be. Thankfully, my mom was kind enough to save me from seeing the extent of how shitty it could truly be. I was an insanely motivated teenager. I was going to be the next Tina Fey, living on the upper west side in a ridiculously tiny apartment “making it”. However, I have briefly lost my mind. Briefly, in the scheme of how long life is, but way too long in my mom’s and frankly my own eyes.

Well what had happened was, I unfortunately fell pray to this crazy little thing I thought was love…one and a half times. It claims the best of us, and ruins pretty much everyone’s life. In my case, I learned a very valuable and painful lesson: people are terrible and mean and will inevitably do whatever the fuck they want and you have just got to get over it and be amazing despite of all the nastiness in the world. Sure, watching Schindler’s List and the actual terrible things going on in the world should’ve alerted me of that fact, but until something horrible happens to YOU, you honestly can’t grasp how disgusting human-kind is. Once you do, you mourn at the loss of your childlike positivity and you gain a new kind of thinking. The adult in you wakes up. This being paired with being cut off from your mom and paying your own bills makes you grow up.

My 2012 was spent falling apart, my 2013 is going to be spend picking myself up and getting my shit together. Like I stated, of course its best to get your shit together when you’re young and naive. I’m still young so I’ve got that going. Now Naive? That ship has sailed, but in truth, you’re never really too old to get your shit together, cause you’re never to old to fall apart.

I will NOT be negative this year!

A lot of folks make these annual declarations of making themselves better. The issue with this is keeping up with them through the short, cold days of winter into the summer and onto the end of the year. I’m proud to say that I somewhat kept up with my only resolution from last year which was to learn how to ride a bike and start biking to work. I did, until I started working early mornings, and you know how 4am wakeup calls feel…they ain’t so nice.

I had the absolute worst year of my life and I can honestly say it made me even more bad ass than before. As a result of the past hell year, my resolution is to stay positive and be more motivated. I’ve been told I can be a negative Nancy, its a side effect of my low self esteem. My goal is by summers end is to move back to the city I love and to do that I gotta simma down nah and FOCUS! I’m gonna save my pennies and start the ball rolling ASAP. I’ve learned the months slip by quickly, so the sooner I push myself the better. That goes for everyone else too!

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moving on

she sits in the corner staring and contemplating
never letting go, feeling the time slip away
and not caring one bit.
the heartbreaks of her past overcoming her mind.
one by one, repeating.
then suddenly its over.
the pain remains,
just not as before.
her eye lids meet.
closure.
 

 

Developing self esteem (narcissism)

It’s a rite of passage, the ugly phase. Usually it begins in middle school followed by about six years of immense self loathing until around early twenties.

I believe I have finally left my ugly phase.

I never thought I was pretty no matter how much my mom would tell me. You don’t usually listen to your mom when it comes to things like this because as your mother, she is biased because she created you inside of her. However my mom does like to tell me what a horrible person I am but that’s a story for another time.

Anyway, I didn’t think I was attractive at all, even when I met my first boyfriend. He continuously told me how beautiful I was and I honestly did not believe or listen to him the three plus years we were together. I didn’t think I was attractive until I started working where I work now.

Strange, it’s not like I have many admirers or people giving me things or anything, but a combination of learning how to talk to people be they customers or co-workers and forging new friendships, something about that has led to the current confidence I hold. Even though I’ve never faced this must rejection in my entire life (see previous posts), I still feel insanely gorgeous and more beautiful than before. It’s weird, my newly found confidence is a side effect of the insane amount of emotional strife i’ve experienced this year. When I’m most sad I get really good self-esteem. My mind fills up with the most shallow thoughts like “I’m way too pretty for them anyway.” or “They’re just jealous cause I’m way prettier and nicer than them.” Most would say this is a bad thing. It probably is. I like to look at it as a positive. I used to feel shitty about myself all the time, and unfortunately getting sad helped me find my best features.

The advice I would give a young girl married to a book character (example: Me to Harry Potter) would be to put yourself out there. You don’t have to be the most popular person in the wherever you are. I know I sure as hell aren’t and I probably never will be and its ok. Just be out there, make connections no matter how minor. Every interaction helps build your confidence. Experience and knowing you can survive the worst and seemingly scary interactions and events can totally make you feel like a bad ass.

I’ve been in love one and half times. I’ve had one boyfriend my entire life, not counting my kindergarten beau. I’ve had a significant amount of sexual partners. Although I haven’t found the one yet, even though I’m honestly not trying very hard, I know they’re out there and until then I’m gonna spend as much time as I can with the most prettiest girl with a banging body I know. MOI.

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She has a big weird nose but she’ll do. I’ll chill with her.

my argument for being single

I’ve been single for over a year now. Sure I’d like to be with someone but that isn’t in the stars for me right now. After experiencing my fair share of shitty boys, I’ve come to a great place. For the first time in a while, I actually don’t like anyone right now but myself.

Strange. Real, strange.

My friend used to tell me I was afraid of being alone, but that’s a fear everyone has. However, I’ve been alone, and in my being alone I’ve never felt stronger and sexier and more independent. There are those people that can’t be alone for more then a month or so. I used to think I was one of those people…I’m glad that I’m not. I joke about wanting a boyfriend but the truth is that would be the worst possible thing to happen to me now.

I’m moving back to NYC next year. The biggest regret of my relatively short life is moving up there and staying with my SO at the time. I was young, he was my first everything. I thought it was forever.

Obviously it was not.

So as lame as it can be not having anyone to spend any time with except my work girlfriend, I couldn’t handle being with someone now. Well, I could its just I couldn’t bear ending it which is what I would have to do as soon as I got my ticket to move back to the city that stole my heart.

So you could say that, I’m saving myself for my one and only true love…New York City.

The mood

The Velvet Underground are the ultimate mood makers, at least for me. Listening to them on evokes this powerful, dreamy, mysteriously motivating feeling. As an emotional wreck of a person, its a lot like therapy to listen to these guys. Some people turn to religion to help them through life, I look to music. It has the ability to transport me to a positive place which is difficult for me to achieve.