Developing self esteem (narcissism)

It’s a rite of passage, the ugly phase. Usually it begins in middle school followed by about six years of immense self loathing until around early twenties.

I believe I have finally left my ugly phase.

I never thought I was pretty no matter how much my mom would tell me. You don’t usually listen to your mom when it comes to things like this because as your mother, she is biased because she created you inside of her. However my mom does like to tell me what a horrible person I am but that’s a story for another time.

Anyway, I didn’t think I was attractive at all, even when I met my first boyfriend. He continuously told me how beautiful I was and I honestly did not believe or listen to him the three plus years we were together. I didn’t think I was attractive until I started working where I work now.

Strange, it’s not like I have many admirers or people giving me things or anything, but a combination of learning how to talk to people be they customers or co-workers and forging new friendships, something about that has led to the current confidence I hold. Even though I’ve never faced this must rejection in my entire life (see previous posts), I still feel insanely gorgeous and more beautiful than before. It’s weird, my newly found confidence is a side effect of the insane amount of emotional strife i’ve experienced this year. When I’m most sad I get really good self-esteem. My mind fills up with the most shallow thoughts like “I’m way too pretty for them anyway.” or “They’re just jealous cause I’m way prettier and nicer than them.” Most would say this is a bad thing. It probably is. I like to look at it as a positive. I used to feel shitty about myself all the time, and unfortunately getting sad helped me find my best features.

The advice I would give a young girl married to a book character (example: Me to Harry Potter) would be to put yourself out there. You don’t have to be the most popular person in the wherever you are. I know I sure as hell aren’t and I probably never will be and its ok. Just be out there, make connections no matter how minor. Every interaction helps build your confidence. Experience and knowing you can survive the worst and seemingly scary interactions and events can totally make you feel like a bad ass.

I’ve been in love one and half times. I’ve had one boyfriend my entire life, not counting my kindergarten beau. I’ve had a significant amount of sexual partners. Although I haven’t found the one yet, even though I’m honestly not trying very hard, I know they’re out there and until then I’m gonna spend as much time as I can with the most prettiest girl with a banging body I know. MOI.

Photo on 12-17-12 at 1.59 PM #3

She has a big weird nose but she’ll do. I’ll chill with her.