I sometimes wonder if I will ever get to a place where each day isn’t a struggle. Will today be the day that washing my face and brushing my teeth isn’t a huge chore that I sometimes avoid because that’s how tired and lazy I am? It’s hard for me to get down to business and do simple homework, let alone do things that are actually important. I may be being hyperbolic, as when it comes to applying to jobs and getting the ball rolling on things, I can be a go-getter. Its the day to day that gets me every time.

I’ve been having anxiety attacks or something or other. Whatever it is, it involves my chest tightening up and me hyperventilating. I’m not sure what triggers it, but they have happened while on my way to work or just thinking about being at work.

Something is definitely wrong with me. Things that people don’t think twice about are extremely hard for me. People don’t believe me, they think I’m being crazy because I’m so outgoing or I’m so fun or I’m exaggerating. I have been doing so much work on myself that people don’t realize. It is hard for me to talk to strangers. It is hard for me to speak up in class. I shake and I lose my train of thought and my voice gets all weird. After I have said my short, brief, something, I beat myself up and tell myself that the professor or that person thinks I’m stupid and probably hates me. That isn’t healthy! I should be able to gather my thoughts properly, I’m almost 30. People my age have real jobs and have actual accomplishments and have families! This thought is what guides me. I know, this isn’t healthy!

Trying to change my negative thinking into positive is SO HARD. PEOPLE, IT IS NOT EASY! I don’t know how because my brain just immediately goes back to “you are an idiot.” I can’t even read my grades in public. One of my professors hands us a graded work at the beginning of class and it freaks me out. I don’t look at it and I fold it and put it away before I can read it. I. Have. Problems.

So, what am I to do? Counseling I guess. Hoping I can get a brain transfer. Hey, technology is advancing at an alarming rate…it could happen!


Wonderful Tumblr Wisdom for you

1. push yourself to get up before the rest of the world – start with 7am, then 6am, then 5:30am. go to the nearest hill with a big coat and a scarf and watch the sun rise.

2. push yourself to fall asleep earlier – start with 11pm, then 10pm, then 9pm. wake up in the morning feeling re-energized and comfortable. 

3. erase processed food from your diet. start with no lollies, chips, biscuits, then erase pasta, rice, cereal, then bread. use the rule that if a child couldn’t identify what was in it, you don’t eat it.

4. get into the habit of cooking yourself a beautiful breakfast. fry tomatoes and mushrooms in real butter and garlic, fry an egg, slice up a fresh avocado and squirt way too much lemon on it. sit and eat it and do nothing else. 

5. stretch. start by reaching for the sky as hard as you can, then trying to touch your toes. roll your head. stretch your fingers. stretch everything.

6. buy a 1L water bottle. start with pushing yourself to drink the whole thing in a day, then try drinking it twice.

7. buy a beautiful diary and a beautiful black pen. write down everything you do, including dinner dates, appointments, assignments, coffees, what you need to do that day. no detail is too small.

8. strip your bed of your sheets and empty your underwear draw into the washing machine. put a massive scoop of scented fabric softener in there and wash. make your bed in full.

9. organise your room. fold all your clothes (and bag what you don’t want), clean your mirror, your laptop, vacuum the floor. light a beautiful candle.

10. have a luxurious shower with your favourite music playing. wash your hair, scrub your body, brush your teeth. lather your whole body in moisturiser, get familiar with the part between your toes, your inner thighs, the back of your neck.

11. push yourself to go for a walk. take your headphones, go to the beach and walk. smile at strangers walking the other way and be surprised how many smile back. bring your dog and observe the dog’s behaviour. realise you can learn from your dog.

12. message old friends with personal jokes. reminisce. suggest a catch up soon, even if you don’t follow through. push yourself to follow through.

14. think long and hard about what interests you. crime? sex? boarding school? long-forgotten romance etiquette? find a book about it and read it. there is a book about literally everything. 

15. become the person you would ideally fall in love with. let cars merge into your lane when driving. pay double for parking tickets and leave a second one in the machine. stick your tongue out at babies. compliment people on their cute clothes. challenge yourself to not ridicule anyone for a whole day. then two. then a week. walk with a straight posture. look people in the eye. ask people about their story. talk to acquaintances so they become friends.

16. lie in the sunshine. daydream about the life you would lead if failure wasn’t a thing. open your eyes. take small steps to make it happen for you.

Sixteen Small Steps to Happiness

1. Do not kill yourself. Killing yourself is very messy and your mother will cry over you. It is not beautiful or brave, and even if it was, you will not be around to see that.

2. Washing your hair is going to be a chore. But you should do it anyway. Because you will feel better about yourself.

3. Get up late. Have a lay in. Sleep past your alarm. You have a very long life ahead of you and for now you should appreciate the cold side of your pillow.

4. He is going to break your heart but he’s just another male human who finds it hard to deal with Mondays, too. So in a month you’ll wake up and you won’t even remember that little scar on his knuckle you kissed.

5. Don’t spend hours looking up what your name means on google. Your name is your name and you should go out there and do heroic and good deeds and give your name your own meaning.

6. Don’t fight your demons. Your demons are here to teach you lessons. Sit down with your demons and have a drink and a chat and learn their names and talk about the burns on their fingers and scratches on their ankles. Some of them are very nice.

7. Music is good for your soul. Rap music will energise you and boost your ego and pop music will cheer you up. Indie music will make you think and emotional songs will make you cry and think about that boy again. It’s healthy.

8. Victim complexes are not attractive. Boys and girls will not date you because you are sad. They are not going to date you and kiss your aching bones and cure you of your dragging depression. Wake up. Take a bath. Do your hair. Be attractive.

9. Sadness is not poetic. Depression is not beautiful. Laying in bed all day and eating too much is lazy and disgusting and it is not tragic or pretty. Get up. Go outside. Let the sun warm your bones. Live.

10. If it makes you happy, buy twenty of it. Dedicate your life to it. Print it on tv shirts and collect things and draw art of it. Do not care what people think. They are the unhappy people you need to avoid. The abuse they will hurl at you is painless compared to how sad they are. Pity them. Remain happy.

11. You are allowed to he angry. But the world is not working against you. The flowers do not bloom for you and when your mother shouts ask her if she is okay instead of thinking she hates you. She never will. The world walks beside you and is silent. It does not trip you up or carry you.

12. Day and night cycles are natural. Humans only sleep at night because we used to avoid predators in the dark because of our poor eyesight. Stay awake until 5am watching bad reality shows. Wake up at 7pm and have breakfast.

13. Eat when you are hungry. Being bored does not constitute a chocolate bar. Sleep with you are tired. Do not mindlessly obey the sleep at night rule. If you are not tired, do not sleep.


Why I’m stupid.

I have no money. I’ve been working part time which is fine and dandy cause I get a lot more free time. However, what is free time when you have no money?

But that’s not what makes me stupid.

What makes me a bonafide idiot is how I spend my money so quickly. Unfortunately, I get paid every other week, which is the worst and whoever thought that was a good idea to begin with is a douchebag. I’m not stupid because I spent my money on things I needed, like select Ikea furniture. The cat I’m living with had taken to peeing on my things which are on the floor because I had no furniture.  I’ve been buying groceries as well which keeps my spending down a tad bit.

I’m stupid cause I just bought sushi. Cheap sushi but its money I no longer have. I blew through my savings for the move here and now I’m so broke its sad. I can barely afford a metro card which is the key to living here. I don’t have my bike so that’s a bust. Plus I live in Brooklyn and work in Midtown so that would be a trek of enormous proportions. I’m stupid because I went to visit my aunt and she made me pay for my own dinner. I’m stupid because I bought a dresser I’ve yet to put together out of sheer laziness. I’m stupid because I bought hot dogs to eat for lunch today. I made them myself but why did I do that? Well, I did it because I was starving while grocery shopping. I’m stupid because I didn’t fight harder to get a full time position and instead just took what I could get without argument. I need to learn to be more assertive.

So at least I have food to fuel me in the next few weeks, as my next paycheck is going to bills and rent. Hopefully I get a second job or even better, get bumped to full time in the next few weeks. Honestly, I think I’ll still work a second job, just so I could get my savings back. I miss having savings. Its one of the things I value now that I’m getting older. That and my old metabolism…

Bitterness of Living

Obviously, within a small amount of time a lot has happened to me since my move back to NYC. One thing I’ve learned in that short time is to not dwell on things and move forward. I’ve always been emo, despite my best efforts to not be. My problem back in the day was letting bad things get the best of me. Hence my lost months after the horrible incident that as time goes by, doesn’t seem as horrible anymore. Mostly because I’ve never been more content with my life as it is now.

It took gaining a ton of friends in a short amount of time to realize that I don’t really like being around an insane amount of people all of the time. I went a different kind of crazy and I lost my true self, as stupid and cheesy as that sounds. I do best when around one or two people. Of course, with this revelation it would seem silly to some that I would move to one of the most populous places in the universe when in reality this is one of the loneliest towns there is. A gagjillion people in one small space is very isolating. Its a city where you have to be selfish and somewhat competitive  and for me that forces me out of my comfort zone which is important to be a successful human being. I don’t have time to worry silly things. Things’ll happen when they happen.

I try to keep myself constantly busy which is hard since I’m only part time at my job. I’m currently seeking another part time employer…this is proving most difficult. Strangely, my money problems don’t stress me out as much as they used too. Honestly, I could be backwards. Worrying about money was all I did in Texas and I had plenty of it at all times. Yet now, in this expensive town, I’m broker than I ever was and I’m just chillin’.

Maybe this could be my new persona, that laid back Texas chick. Who knows.

Being “chill”, I’m still fairly bitter about life sometimes. Since I started my Facebook up, past folks have appeared in my “people I may know” which I wish could be disabled because its a horrible feature. I think where I would be if I hadn’t of done this or had done that. If i’d stayed in NYC, who would I be now? If I never broke my ex’s back door, what would’ve happened? If I hadn’t of confronted my other ex for being an asshole, would he have continued being a douche and if so would I still get an apology? If I hadn’t of isolated myself from my friends who basically forced me out, would we still be talking? Then I begin to envy those more fortunate than I. Friends I had that came from really well off families, people who know people, naturally skinny girls with no boobs (those I envy the most). Being “chill” doesn’t mean I don’t have a plethora of “what ifs” and “why nots”.

However, the “what ifs” don’t matter and they shouldn’t matter, because that’s all it is. What if. Yet sometimes the what ifs affect your future and its up to you to determine whether it’ll be a positive or negative outcome.

In this episode, The Hurt One is overwhelmed with the feelings she worked so hard to get rid of after her heart was shattered almost a year ago. The Almost catches her off guard with a seemingly heartfelt and touching apology on the eve of her move. Hurt One is struck with all the reasons she wrongly fell in love with him in the first place. Almost was always so easy to talk too, so easy to look at and be a complete idiot with. So easy to drink with and cry on and go home too. After avoiding his gaze for so long, suddenly she looked into his eyes for what felt like the first time and her heart and stomach turn with the love she had buried before.

Thankfully, she is also reminded of why Almost was terrible in the first place. Quick to throw her love away when a seemingly more perfect suitor came into the picture. He never defended her when the Closeted Lesbian told mutual acquaintances her not so attractive past. Of course the main reason for this was his tough exterior and weak disposition which The One understood. Almost hated being told when he was wrong even when it hurt the One’s already incredibly fragile feelings. The One thought they could be each others shoulder to cry on, both weakened from past love. She was obviously mistaken as Almost ended up treating her so badly in the end.

If The Almost hadn’t of broken her heart, The One would’ve never toughened up. One had a problem with giving her all to people that weren’t worth it, always blinded by mushy feelings that weren’t always reciprocated back. If Almost hadn’t of destroyed her, she would be stuck in a city she hated and with friends that didn’t care about her. The experience changed her almost completely, and forced her to get her shit together. For that she would be forever thankful and unable to completely hate him no matter how hard she tries. She’s thankful he apologized and instead of leaving everything resolved but filled with animosity, the relationship officially ended with the peace offering of a donut. She knows that in another universe, if Almost and her met at a different moment, it would’ve probably been the beginning of a beautiful, almost perfect thing.

I hate you ever so, yet I can’t pull myself away.

Facebook is possibly the worst website I’ve ever had the trouble of being addicted too. Nothing about it is good except to “connect” which is absurd because nothing is better than face to face or even mouth to phone. All of the negative things I think about that terrible website has been said and my attitude towards it very common.

Whenever I got my heartbroken (all two times), I took to “deleting” my facebook and wallowing in my misery. As a twenty something, I was used to posting my entire life’s details on this dumb website and often being on it would just magnify the pain I was feeling. The first time, my whole facebook life had revolved around my long ass relationship so when shit hit the fan, it was my worst enemy. The second time around wasn’t as serious but the pain was just as bad. There was something so therapeutic and oddly holy about deactivating said website. Suddenly, I felt free like the world was in my hands. Nothing can stop you and you can do anything without the constraints of facebook; and it is the stupidest feeling in the world that your being was attached to one profile on a fucking website.

Facebook has taken over the world and it is poison. When people ask, “Do you have a facebook?” and you reply with a no, there’s this insane judgement that goes on. I know because I used to place judgement on those freaks with out effbook and now I have joined them.

Facebook stalking is the root of all of its evil and led to my multiple deactivations. It makes it easier to torture yourself with your destructive thoughts. “Look at how happy he is!” “She’s such a fug face,” “I hope they still like me after this,” and BLAH BLAH. Its the fuckin worst.

Yet of course, on the cusp of my move to my heart’s hometown I find myself creating another poisonous account on the devil’s website. NATURALLY, I stalk those I have no business stalking if I want to be the happy, carefree version of myself I have created in the last 7 months of my life.

All the painful, angry, destructive thoughts and feelings just rushed back to me. All because of the most addictive and pseudo pointless website created.

Ava Cherry is Cool.

Ava Cherry is a little known singer and dancer from the 70s. Her main claim to obscure fame was being David Bowie’s lovah during and after his relationship with Angie Bowie. She was a member of the Astronettes, the name of Bowie’s background singers along with the great and powerful Luther Vandross. Unfortunately, that’s about as far as she got having little to no chart success after she went out on her own. She caught my interest and has remained a fascination to me for the last few years.








Here she is stealing the spotlight on the Dick Cavett show with David Bowie. As you can see, the potential to be a huge star is there. I don’t think I’ll ever understand how the fame creature decides its prey.


Fantasies are what keep me moving, I admit it.

I fantasize about my impending move back to the city I love and moving on up in life. Being the student I was meant to be, possibly moving up in my job. I think about what an amazing place i’ll end up once I graduate.

I go to sleep thinking about the great dude i’ll eventually meet and how when that happens I’ll hopefully be at the point in my life where my shit is almost fully together. I dream about caressing his face and cracking up late at night. I think about how easy it’ll be to be with him, how after we fight we kiss and make up. I imagine our first shitty apartment together, and how we’ll make it perfect with our dumb, cheesy love.

I dream about my babies that I eventually want to have, and how gorgeous and loved they’ll be. I think about talking to them about my life before them and them laughing at the stupid things I did. I think about their graduations, grandchildren…

Thinking about my future keeps me going. I know it won’t be exactly how I picture it, but I know it’ll be great no matter what, cause that’s life. Its a beautiful, wonderful, fucking shit fest.

The Plunge.

The circumstance is that I’m back in my mom’s house, but not for long. Soon I will be back to the grind and the terrifying wonderfulness of the city. So far, its been…hmm. Its hard to find the right words. Stressful it has not been. Irritating I think is best. Some things are much easier. For example, my mom and I have got a good rhythm about the kitchen. We take turns like normal people for chores. Also, she got internet for me which was nice. I’m a twenty something and we need our interwebs to function. However, the having a life thing is very difficult while I’m here. My mother is very dependent on me which is wrong on her part. I’m 22. I’m automatically a moron.

What’s been causing me the most stress is getting job. I’m planning on transferring with my current company, but its pretty much the same process as getting a brand spankin’ new job. It just becomes slightly easier to be noticed because my company is all about internal hirings. I’ve had issues with my current job but mostly because of individual people. Its kind of nerdy how much I love my company, actually. I don’t plan on leaving anytime soon. Anyway, I’ve spoken to a couple people and gotten an e-mail replay to my application which was sent to apparently a thousand other applicants. Now I’m waiting. Waiting is the most painful part of anything.

Waiting is good though. If you handle it correctly, you can rationalize things and calm yourself down. I tend to psyche myself up so much then the closer it gets, psyche myself down which hasn’t been working very well. I had two interviews this past year and I bombed both of them because of my nerves. I was so intimidated I couldn’t think and almost cried. That’s not gonna happen this time.

Real life is hard and there’s so many difficulties along the way. Hopefully, this one will be over soon.