sappy shit for no one.

Love me because I somehow don’t know how to form sentences when flustered.

Love me because my acne scars are aplenty and obvious.

Love me because I can’t seem to control my love of chocolate milk.

Love me because my hair is never the same. Different with each day, each hour. each minute.

Love me because I cry at everything. I cry when happy and angry and sad.

Love me in spite of my obsession with NBC comedy.

Love me for my dark skin.

Love me for my weird mouth.

Just love me for my strangeness.

Love me for my normalcy.

Love me for my strength.

Love me for my love I can’t contain for you.

A challenge I have accepted.

I come from the blogging generation. We’ve grown up over sharing and talking about ourselves on the internet. Some have even been able to make a living doing it.

I can’t seem to focus. This is a problem I have in my real life. I dropped out of college mostly because I didn’t have the patience and focus to even go to class let alone actually do the work.

I have had many a blog since I was 11 years old and I had my faithful Xanga, which of course was more of a journal that I logged my entire high school experience in. Yet, anyone I’ve had since then I have abandonded in order to start “a real one this time.” with the hopes of gaining an audience and being very strict about my writing schedule.

Obviously I have failed each and every time.

This time, partially do to my workaholic tendencies as well as a new affinity for exercise, as I’m trying to lose some cheese weight.

So this post is just a reminder to any readers that I do have, that I want to do better, but as you know, real life can get in the way. I will be back with my amateur poetry and essays. I will devote at least 30 minutes a day to my writing. I’m not getting any younger and need to stay in practice.

Thanks to anyone (if there is anyone) that reads this wannabe blog.


I used to think things needed to be said.

but ultimately, the universe understands.

things are just thought and the air soaks it in.

let things be. let things ride.

the stress is slowly killing us.

take a deep breath.

Lost in it all: Never Come Back

I’ve all but forgotten the pain and the hurt you caused
The lost days, the lost nights
Time I spent thinking of you,
Being with you
Staring at you
Laughing with you.
Time I’ll never get back
Comforting you
Loving you
Hating you
Arguing with you
Fucking you
Crying over you.

Your touch I’ve forgotten. I stopped craving that years ago.
Even when we appeared to make love
I was done.

My ego, though
It wouldn’t let you go.
I held on too long
too tight

too much

No more.
Poison our love was.
Love it was though,
At least, that’s what my ego thought.

All wrong we were.
We both knew it.
Denial was the name of my game.
As you thought a game I was playing.
No, just a young girl confused.
Destroyed by lust and obsession.

I want to be the bigger person and wish you well
Care for you still? No I don’t.
No, I can’t care less.
Your death, I know its harsh…
I would only be upset for a second.

The hurt you caused me outweighs the good times.

The company I had with you I miss the most.
The company was nice.
Wasting time,
That I will never get back.
Receding further into uselessness is what we did.
No longer do I need your company.

“I won’t give you my company, anyway”
I’m sure is what you think.
Which is fine with me.

Three years wasted.
Three years, I lost myself.
I was young
So young
Young and lost in lust
Thoughts of a future that would never come to fruition.
At least with you.

Both of us, yes we are better off.
It ended in the worst possible way.
Sometimes I wish it hadn’t.
“Everything happens for a reason”
Bullshit I say
But dammit…
It does.

You broke me in a different way.
Killed the fire inside me…
The fire went only dim.
Its light shines now
Full force.
Because you went away.
Thank you.
Never come back.

Apology: Her imagination running wild.

She’ll never be mine
She’ll keep it that way.
I’ll never be hers,
But near her i’ll stay.
She won’t let me get close,
But i’ll let her in.

I know she loves me
She has good reason to hate me.
She defends herself by keeping me away.
I don’t blame her.
I just wanna get closer.
It’ll happen.
I’ve just gotta work harder.

I broke her.
I destroyed her.
I left her for dead.
Not a day goes by without the thought in my head,
That she loved me and gave me most that she had,
For a new more exciting way I went.
You only live once, of course is what I said.
But for what did it do, it just hurt her even more.
Made her even more beautiful
but also colder.

What a thing to have done.

Young Sleepless Nights

“Say, wake up!
There’s only so much time”, she says,
The sun.
“For which I’m awake to light your way.”
But I’ve other plans, I do.
Avoid her rays, her hot sting.
The night is time for me to play.

The warning that my night is through,
Is when she comes and peaks into,
My gaze,
Glowing, gently illuminating the clouds.
Nudging me to sleep, instead.
For I am young, or so I’m told.
These sleepless nights…
No time for me to fold
Into my bed to face my cold, brick wall.
The day is old, the night is young.

Texas is a reason.

Those Texas nights,
The air so thick,
The dreams we have disolve so quick.

The mockingbirds they sleep.
The armadillos still wake.
We look at the stars,
and dream to escape.

The atmosphere, while easy to breathe
Suffocates the mind,
adjusts the way you think.

My heart you will forever own;
For it was time for me to go.
Though Texas breeds the strong and bold,
The time comes for us to discover,
Other worlds,
Other joys.
New Friends,
New foes.

“Texas forever!” I’ll scream and I’ll shout!
But unless you’ve lived there,
Tried to breathe there,
You won’t know what “forever,” is about.

Wonderful Tumblr Wisdom for you

1. push yourself to get up before the rest of the world – start with 7am, then 6am, then 5:30am. go to the nearest hill with a big coat and a scarf and watch the sun rise.

2. push yourself to fall asleep earlier – start with 11pm, then 10pm, then 9pm. wake up in the morning feeling re-energized and comfortable. 

3. erase processed food from your diet. start with no lollies, chips, biscuits, then erase pasta, rice, cereal, then bread. use the rule that if a child couldn’t identify what was in it, you don’t eat it.

4. get into the habit of cooking yourself a beautiful breakfast. fry tomatoes and mushrooms in real butter and garlic, fry an egg, slice up a fresh avocado and squirt way too much lemon on it. sit and eat it and do nothing else. 

5. stretch. start by reaching for the sky as hard as you can, then trying to touch your toes. roll your head. stretch your fingers. stretch everything.

6. buy a 1L water bottle. start with pushing yourself to drink the whole thing in a day, then try drinking it twice.

7. buy a beautiful diary and a beautiful black pen. write down everything you do, including dinner dates, appointments, assignments, coffees, what you need to do that day. no detail is too small.

8. strip your bed of your sheets and empty your underwear draw into the washing machine. put a massive scoop of scented fabric softener in there and wash. make your bed in full.

9. organise your room. fold all your clothes (and bag what you don’t want), clean your mirror, your laptop, vacuum the floor. light a beautiful candle.

10. have a luxurious shower with your favourite music playing. wash your hair, scrub your body, brush your teeth. lather your whole body in moisturiser, get familiar with the part between your toes, your inner thighs, the back of your neck.

11. push yourself to go for a walk. take your headphones, go to the beach and walk. smile at strangers walking the other way and be surprised how many smile back. bring your dog and observe the dog’s behaviour. realise you can learn from your dog.

12. message old friends with personal jokes. reminisce. suggest a catch up soon, even if you don’t follow through. push yourself to follow through.

14. think long and hard about what interests you. crime? sex? boarding school? long-forgotten romance etiquette? find a book about it and read it. there is a book about literally everything. 

15. become the person you would ideally fall in love with. let cars merge into your lane when driving. pay double for parking tickets and leave a second one in the machine. stick your tongue out at babies. compliment people on their cute clothes. challenge yourself to not ridicule anyone for a whole day. then two. then a week. walk with a straight posture. look people in the eye. ask people about their story. talk to acquaintances so they become friends.

16. lie in the sunshine. daydream about the life you would lead if failure wasn’t a thing. open your eyes. take small steps to make it happen for you.

Sixteen Small Steps to Happiness

1. Do not kill yourself. Killing yourself is very messy and your mother will cry over you. It is not beautiful or brave, and even if it was, you will not be around to see that.

2. Washing your hair is going to be a chore. But you should do it anyway. Because you will feel better about yourself.

3. Get up late. Have a lay in. Sleep past your alarm. You have a very long life ahead of you and for now you should appreciate the cold side of your pillow.

4. He is going to break your heart but he’s just another male human who finds it hard to deal with Mondays, too. So in a month you’ll wake up and you won’t even remember that little scar on his knuckle you kissed.

5. Don’t spend hours looking up what your name means on google. Your name is your name and you should go out there and do heroic and good deeds and give your name your own meaning.

6. Don’t fight your demons. Your demons are here to teach you lessons. Sit down with your demons and have a drink and a chat and learn their names and talk about the burns on their fingers and scratches on their ankles. Some of them are very nice.

7. Music is good for your soul. Rap music will energise you and boost your ego and pop music will cheer you up. Indie music will make you think and emotional songs will make you cry and think about that boy again. It’s healthy.

8. Victim complexes are not attractive. Boys and girls will not date you because you are sad. They are not going to date you and kiss your aching bones and cure you of your dragging depression. Wake up. Take a bath. Do your hair. Be attractive.

9. Sadness is not poetic. Depression is not beautiful. Laying in bed all day and eating too much is lazy and disgusting and it is not tragic or pretty. Get up. Go outside. Let the sun warm your bones. Live.

10. If it makes you happy, buy twenty of it. Dedicate your life to it. Print it on tv shirts and collect things and draw art of it. Do not care what people think. They are the unhappy people you need to avoid. The abuse they will hurl at you is painless compared to how sad they are. Pity them. Remain happy.

11. You are allowed to he angry. But the world is not working against you. The flowers do not bloom for you and when your mother shouts ask her if she is okay instead of thinking she hates you. She never will. The world walks beside you and is silent. It does not trip you up or carry you.

12. Day and night cycles are natural. Humans only sleep at night because we used to avoid predators in the dark because of our poor eyesight. Stay awake until 5am watching bad reality shows. Wake up at 7pm and have breakfast.

13. Eat when you are hungry. Being bored does not constitute a chocolate bar. Sleep with you are tired. Do not mindlessly obey the sleep at night rule. If you are not tired, do not sleep.


Why I’m stupid.

I have no money. I’ve been working part time which is fine and dandy cause I get a lot more free time. However, what is free time when you have no money?

But that’s not what makes me stupid.

What makes me a bonafide idiot is how I spend my money so quickly. Unfortunately, I get paid every other week, which is the worst and whoever thought that was a good idea to begin with is a douchebag. I’m not stupid because I spent my money on things I needed, like select Ikea furniture. The cat I’m living with had taken to peeing on my things which are on the floor because I had no furniture.  I’ve been buying groceries as well which keeps my spending down a tad bit.

I’m stupid cause I just bought sushi. Cheap sushi but its money I no longer have. I blew through my savings for the move here and now I’m so broke its sad. I can barely afford a metro card which is the key to living here. I don’t have my bike so that’s a bust. Plus I live in Brooklyn and work in Midtown so that would be a trek of enormous proportions. I’m stupid because I went to visit my aunt and she made me pay for my own dinner. I’m stupid because I bought a dresser I’ve yet to put together out of sheer laziness. I’m stupid because I bought hot dogs to eat for lunch today. I made them myself but why did I do that? Well, I did it because I was starving while grocery shopping. I’m stupid because I didn’t fight harder to get a full time position and instead just took what I could get without argument. I need to learn to be more assertive.

So at least I have food to fuel me in the next few weeks, as my next paycheck is going to bills and rent. Hopefully I get a second job or even better, get bumped to full time in the next few weeks. Honestly, I think I’ll still work a second job, just so I could get my savings back. I miss having savings. Its one of the things I value now that I’m getting older. That and my old metabolism…